What a Tool

I'm at work and there is construction being done on my floor. One of the construction guys is wearing a t-shirt that says, verbatim, "I'd rather be driving my antique car". That's enough, these autobiographical t-shirts have to be stopped, it has gone too far. What that shirt says to me is you are a tool and someone I definitely don't want to get stuck anywhere near to in an enclosed space, like an elevator.

I bet this douche is the type of person who initiates useless annoying chit chat with random people just so he can talk about his antique car. He would have no interest in anything you say cuz all he wants to do is tell you about his car. He's the type that will walk up to a complete stranger and say "How about that game last nite" as a conversation starter. He will not mention a specific game or team but rather he will base the rest of his responses on what you say next. If you take the bait and say give him any type of semi specific response to his query its all over, you're stuck listening to him talk about his car in annoying car speak that you can barely understand and couldn't care less about.

If you say that a team, any team, for any sport, lost, he'll counter by talking about how whatever team you are talking about sucks and they team and players are not as good as they use to be. Notice that you don't even have to specify a team or a sport these asswipes are very tricky. They keep their responses very generic so they can work in any situation.

In the same scenario if you happen to mention that you are talking about a baseball team that lost i can 100% guarantee that the response from Mr. Antique Car Guy will be "They got no pitching" They always, always, always go to a lack of pitching when talking about baseball. Its so easy and generic to to complain about because it works for just about every single team.

Lets tweak this a little and change it from a loss to a win and you mention what team you are talking about. In this scenario what will happen is the other person will choose the best, most recognizable player on the team and talk about how good he is. Here's an example of a hypothetical conversation between yourself and the Antique Douche Bag that could easily happen in your break room. Antique Douche "How about that game last night?" You "Yeah the Yanks won a good one" Antique Douche "That A-Rod is really good, huh." You "Yeah" Antique Douche "I can't wait to get home" You "Me too" Antique Douche "Yea as soon as I walk in I'm gonna start working on my '69 Mustang blah blah blah annoying car speak" Now you're stuck.

What is he really saying when he says "That A-Rod is really good, huh"? You don't need to have any real baseball knowledge to know that A-Rod is good, my Grandmother knows that, in fact both of them do. Also notice how this sly cocksucker throws the "huh" at the end to try to prod you into agreement with him while hes making a generic statement that 99% of people agree with already. Your respone, no matter how bland and uninterested it may sound is an invite to Antique Douche to keep the conversation going.

Another variable here is if you said that your team won and also mention what team a lot of the time he will say "Finally". Here is another hypothetical conversation that could take place in the mens room. Antique Douche "How about that game last nite?" You "Yeah the Toledo Mud Hens won a close one" Antique Douche "Yeah...Finally (chuckle)" You "Sure (with a quizzical look on you face cuz the Mud Hens have won 12 in a row)" Antique Douche " I can't wait to get out of here" You "I hear ya" Antique Douche "I'm going straight to the garage to work on my '73 Hot Rod" You "Cool" Antique Douche "Yea I'm putting _____into the suspension and just got a pair of chrome _______ for the _______ blah blah blah." See a pattern here.

So what this person's t-shirt is really saying here "I'm a tool and avoid me at all costs." Well said dickhead.

Also notice that i have pointed out two other annoying habits this person will almost always have in my 2nd hypothetical conversation. The more egregious of the 2 is he's the type of guy that will talk to another man in the bathroom, while you're taking care ofbusiness. This is one of the worst violations of male etiquette that you can have. That practice really has to stop. Its Un-American to have one male speak to another in a bathroom. This is exponentially made worse if the 2 people don't know each other and if 1 of them, if not both, are actually in the act. It is a direct symbol of why this country is going down the toilet. Men do not socialize in public restrooms. Men do not talk to other men while 1 of them has their hand on their cock or in their assholes. And if they do they are either fags or al-qaeda.

Another annoying trait is that this is the type of person who will will chuckle after everything they say, funny or not. I hate that. They make some ridiculous comment and chuckle at the end expecting you to laugh back. But they do it after almost every sentence they make. I never laugh when someone does that and it creates a very uncomfortable moment that makes the person look like a douche and i love that