Excerpt from my memoirs

The following was written originally on 8/16/06

I'm chasing history today. As of 10:45am I've already taken 3 shits. For some reason the hands of fate and destiny have given me a chance to be great and I have to grab the opportunity w/ both hands. Already i feel a case of baboon ass settling in and i have an anal burning sensation. I know each wipe will hurt more then the last but I'm ready. If i start drinking large amounts of coffee to try to tip the scale in my favor a little is that considered cheating? This won't be easy but I'm going to give it my best shot. Sometimes you don't choose greatness, it chooses you!

This black dude is seriously scary looking. Not thugged out scary like the type that would make an old white woman clutch her purse tighter but more like a freaky looking rejected X-Files character. It looks like he swam here from Jamaica or some Caribbean Island to eat white children or something weird like that. His skin tone is so odd its creepy I really can't describe him overall other then he's fucking weird looking.

Today i spoke to some woman from New Orleans who really annoyed the fuck out of me. She was just a mindless rude idiot who made no sense when she spoke and made everything a lot more difficult then it actually was. At the time i wanted to say to her "You think Katrina was bad? Wait til Hurricane Gilligan blows through your neighborhood. Category 5 bitch, maximum damage. A hurricane of pure pain demolishing you and all your loved ones." This woman was definitely a senior citizen.

This Mexican dude is walking around the train station wearing suit pants and a tank top. Huh?

There is an allegation that the color of my pubes is "Strawberry Blonde". Fuck that, they are light brown. That allegation is completely unfounded and erroneous.

This woman has the oldest pair of boobs that I've ever leered at. If you look at her face, easily she looks like she is in her early to mid 50s. But if you were to just look at her big ole titties that are hanging out and based your guess on those lovely beauties alone, i would say not a day over 25. Nice rack grandma.

This guy on the train looks like a Columbian drug lord circa 1975-1985. If this other guy had long hair instead of balding he would look like he walked right off the set of Braveheart.

At first i thought that the old bitch with the sweet boobies might be dead because she was sprawled out on the seat with her eyes closed and not moving but as i started to write down that thought she walked past me. I guess she was just seriously passed the fuck out. Her sweet titties were bouncing all around and she had a nice ass too. Her face was all old and decrepit. If she told me I could fuck her I'd prob just titty fuck the shit out of those badboys and leave her vagina untouched. Figure it this way the lubrication situation on titty fucking her has to be at least the same as it would be with her wrinkley, crusty old vag. If she told me i could raw dog her and nut in her cuz her barren baby maker ceased functioning before i was born i would say "Na i'll pass for a couple reasons. First, raw dogging that dried out cunt sounds like it would hurt. Secondly you prob have some ancient STD's going on down there that haven't been seen in decades. Shit that they don't have vaccines for anymore because there have been no reported cases within the past 30 yrs. I'd fuck you and my dick would come out w/ Polio or the Black Plague or some shit like that."

Holy shit I think Dennis Eckersley is on my train! The Eck! Fucking A!

People who talk on trains at a decibel level too loud should be strung up then slowly dipped into a pool of scalding hot feces/urine/semen and boiled alive. I know that you're happy as hell to be on your big train ride and would love to talk about it but i do this everyday and just sat in an office and talked to annoying fucks, like yourself, who just won't shut up all day. Bitch right now I'd much rather you lived in Ohio or Minnesota as well so the feeling is mutual.

Only the 3 shits today and its 7:57pm, that sucks. I really thought this morning was the start of something legendary but i fizzled out. If i had kept track of my urine today i could have possibly cracked the top 5 but its not really the same. Wow, a spiky haired Asian guy just walked by. What an original idea for a hairstyle you have. I never saw the old spike cut on an Asian before. (Being sarcastic of course)

The vibrations from the bumpy train ride causes my fat to jiggle. Does that count as exercise?